Dr Quinn has a Mental Breakdown
by The Evenstar
Summary: Mathew becomes a stripper, Coleen moves in with Jake, and Brian runs off with the circus...
1. Default Chapter

A/N- I got the inspiration for this while sat at home in the holidays eating Easter eggs and watching Dr Quinn ( and, might I add, drooling over Chad Allen). I hope you like it.....  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Prolouge- All is well in Dr Quinn's sleepy backwater town......until......  
  
One day, Hank is tragically mauled to death by a rampant squirrel while he's out hunting, and Horace has to take over the running of the saloon. He soon turns it into a gay club called 'Horace's House of Hard-On's'. Things aren't well at the Quinn residence either. Sully and the Doc have finally tied the knot, but Sully moves in with the family and starts smoking a pipe, wearing a suit, and putting his foot down (somtimes literally.....on Brian's head). Mathew rebels and becomes a stripper at Horace's gay club. Coleen moves in with Jake the barber, and Brian joins the circus and leaves town.....maybe forvever.......  
  
Scene opens in Doctor Quinn's surgery. The Doc is stood folding bandages, and Sully is sat by the fire, wearing his suit and smoking a pipe (husky at his feet)  
  
Sully (in cheesy fake English accent)- ''Now look here darling. Your my wife now, and it's not right that you should go galavanting around being a doctor. I think it's about time you stayed at home and started cooking and cleaning like a REAL wife.''  
  
Doctor.Q (fuming)- ''I think your the problem here Sully. Why have you started wearing a suit and smoking that pipe?! Why did you change your name?''  
  
Sully- ''I am no longer 'Dances with Termites' I am Master Sully.''  
  
Mathew enters the room carrying a bag  
  
Mathew- ''Right. I'm leaving, I'm not staying here with......HIM!''  
  
Doctor- ''Please reconsider Mathew. Stay here, and talk about it? Don't go to the saloon and become.......a stripper!''  
  
(she starts to cry)  
  
Sully- ''Let the boy do what he wants. He needs some independance.''  
  
Mathew- ''I am a sex god. Men will pay to lear at my body. Why not let them? So long.''  
  
(He leaves)  
  
Doctor- ''You've broken up our home.''  
  
Sully- ''The home was already broken when I moved in. Now where's that little bugger Brian? It's time for his morning beating.''  
  
Doctor- ''He ran off with the circus remember?''  
  
Sully- ''Oh yes, so he did! What's he going to be.......the freakshow? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.''  
  
(Fade out)  
  
************************************************************  
  
It's not very long because I didn't have much time, but what you think?  
  
Please R & R!!! 


	2. Chapter 2- Sully gets a haircut

A/N- Two people actually found this funny.....amazing. I am not gay in reply to one review. Why does writing a fan fic about Dr Quinn make me gay?! I just said in the Author's Note.....I was DROOLING OVER CHAD ALLEN! But he's turned out to be a big fat homosexual, so now my life's over anyway......  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Next Day.....  
  
Sully was walking around the town, smoking his pipe and waving his cane around to look cool. He decided to get his mullet cut so that he's look like a PROPER gentleman (He was actually jealous of Mr Bray's hair and wanted to look like him). Sully strolled into Jake's barber shop. He found Coleen reading a copy of 'The Advocate' magazine in the corner, and Jake sharpening up his knives  
  
Coleen- ''Hello Sully. I no longer have an obsession with you and think we should be togther. Your welcome to the doctor and all her mangey posessions. Jake now fufils all my sexual and non-sexual needs.''  
  
Sully- ''That's nice. Cut and blow-dry please.''  
  
Jake starts to cut Sully's doggy hair  
  
Jake- ''You been to see the show at Horace's club yet Sully? Mathew's got a starring role as the one who stays naked longest.''  
  
Sully- ''He is 18 years old. He can do whatever he wants.''  
  
Jake- ''Where's Brian these days?''  
  
Sully- ''Dr Mike thinks he's ran off with the circus....but I actually sent him off to a boarding school! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!''  
  
Suddenly the door flies open and Brian falls into the shop. He's covered in mud and half dead  
  
Sully- ''YOU!''  
  
Brian- ''I want my Ma!''  
  
(He starts bawling like a baby)  
  
Coleen- ''Don't look at me, I'm not the hired help anymore!''  
  
Sully grabs Brian by the scruff and marches him out of the barber's and into Horace's gay club where rehearsals are taking place for the night's show. The first thing Brian sees is Mathew......stark bollock naked except for a pot plant that was strapped to his head.  
  
Brian- ''MATHEW!?!''  
  
Mathew- ''Brian?!''  
  
Sully- ''That's right Brian. Mathew is a big fat homosexual stripper, Coleen is shagging Jake, and I am a sixteenth century English nightmare! MUHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!''  
  
Brian runs screaming from the town and dissapears into the sunset  
  
Sully- ''HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.....Oh shit! I forgot to beat him before I let him go!'' 


	3. Chapter 3- Dr Mike Makes A Break

A/N- OK, me and Cheggers are in GCSE computer class and I'm going to get her to generate some ideas so that I can write the next chapter to Dr Quinn. Hopefully, it should appear below before too long, but this may take a little longer than expected, because Cheggers has gotten all excited over the fact that Sean Bean has gotten his ugly mug into the Moby video- We Are All Made of Stars. She was heard to quote- ''He looks just like James Dean, but, you know..........sexier.''  
  
(Cheggers punches The Evenstar in the head and takes obver the computer)  
  
Cheggers- I love Sean Bean! Woo-Hoo! I had just have to express my love through The Evenstar's author notes!  
  
(The Evenstar re-appears)  
  
Evenstar- That little outburst roughly translates into- ''I love Sean Bean. I want to marry him, have his babies, die in his arms and live with him in heaven forver.''  
  
(Cheggers is in denial)  
  
Reviews are, as usual, welcomed with great big bear hugs. Any advise for Cheggers about how to deal with her Sean Bean obsession will also be brilliant, as it's starting to annoy me after, like, 4 months  
  
On with the story........  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 3- Mathew Gets the Chop  
  
Welcome back to the sleepy backwater town of Colarado Springs (or whatever it's called) which isn't actually very sleepy anymore. Horace is enjoying renound success with his strip club, Sully is still convinced that he's a 19th century Englishman, Coleen is still bumping uglies with Jake, Brian is still A.W.O.L, and the Doc has been forced (by Sully) to close the practise because she isn't being ladylike enough apparently......  
  
Scene opens in Horace's strip club one night. Mathew is pole dancing for Mr Bray, Jake and the Vicar (who has come out as a Satanist), and Horace is stood at the bar sniffing $100 bills. Dr Quinn is at home baking cakes for Sully (she's a homemaker)  
  
Mr Bray- ''You sure get your money's worth out of Mathew. He's a $5 special this week.'  
  
Vicar- ''It's amazing all the things I've missed, just by being a vicar! I think I'll go out and murder someone tonight.''  
  
Jake- ''Good for you. It'll keep this town's bad-ass standards up.''  
  
Mr Bray- ''To right.''  
  
Horace- ''Any of you boys seen Sully?''  
  
Mathew stops dancing to I Want You Bad by The Offspring  
  
Mathew- ''He's at home.''  
  
Horace- ''Shut your hole boy! I don't pay you 2p an hour just to stand there and yap, now get dancing.''  
  
Mathew- ''But-''  
  
Horace- ''Don't make me get the whip Mathew.''  
  
Mathew starts dancing again  
  
After a few more minutes of pointless dancing, the doors of the club flew open and Doctor Quinn was stood in the doorway carrying bin bags full of clothes, and carrying Coleen under one arm. After a few seconds, Sully appears behinf her, gasping for breath  
  
Sully- ''Now (pant) look hear (pant) you cannot (pant) leave me in that house alone (pant).''  
  
Dr Quinn- ''I'm sick of my life Sully! I'm taking Coleen and Mathew and moving to the city to start a new life. If I bump into Brian along the way, I'll take him too. Mathew! Get your stuff, we've leaving, and for god's sake boy put some clothes on.''  
  
Mathew- ''Yes ma'am.''  
  
(he scuttles off)  
  
Sully- ''But darling! How will I survive? I don't know how to make meals or wash clothes. I am incapable!''  
  
Dr Quinn- ''Sorry Sully. Your on your own, and another thing.....I'm filing for divorce!''  
  
Horace- ''Bloody hell it's all happening!''  
  
Mathew appears (clothed) carrying his bag and wearing his cowboy hat  
  
Dr Quinn- ''Lets go!''  
  
They begin to walk out, but Mr Bray blocks their path  
  
Mr Bray- ''Oh no. Your not going anywhere young lady. Your going to go home and make Sully's meals and cook for him.''  
  
Just when Dr Quinn thought she would never escape the wrath of Sully, a side wall of the gay club collapses and Cheggers and Sean Bean drive into the club in a Cadillac, almost killing the vicar and Jake  
  
Jake- ''But Coleen! I thought you loved me?!''  
  
Coleen- ''I do!''  
  
Dr Quinn- ''No you don't! And YOU Jake, will be hearing from my lawyer!''  
  
Jake- ''Oh shite.''  
  
Now that Cheggers and Sean Bean have created a diversion, Dr Quinn, Mathew and Coleen make their escape from the gay club and jump into a carraige that's headed for Boston.  
  
Sully and the others look out of the gay club just in time to see the carraige and the cadillac dissapear into the horizon........  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Gasp! A cliffhanger! What in the name of Brian's buck-teeth will happen?  
  
Will Sully be able to cope? Or Jake for that matter, without a woman around the house? Where will Dr Quinn, Mathew and Coleen go when they get to Boston? WILL THEY FIND BRIAN?????!!!!!!!  
  
All these questions (and more) answered in the next chapter of Doctor Quinn Has A Mental Breakdown.........  
  
(Please R & R) 


	4. Chapter 4- Road to Boston

A/N- Some people love this- some people hate it.....but more people love it than hate it so I'm going to carry on writing....MUHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!  
  
  
  
Chapter 4- The Long Road to Boston  
  
Dr Mike realised about five minutes into the journey that it was a MAJOR mistake to try and bring Coleen to Boston against her will. Mathew wasn't arsed either way. He'd gotten away from Horace's House of Hard-On's and that's all that mattered.  
  
Coleen- ''When are we going back?  
  
Dr Quinn- ''We're not going back Coleen! Mathew, look at that map again. I'm sure we've taken a wrong turning somewhere...''  
  
Mathew- ''Hmm........this isn't a real map. It's one of Brian's joke maps out of his Cornflakes.''  
  
Dr- ''Son of a ******!''  
  
Mathew- ''OK, OK. Calm down. We're stuck in the middle of nowhere, it's boiling hot, and the horse is about to drop dead............we're screwed.''  
  
Coleen- ''Hate to say I told you so, BUT-''  
  
Dr- ''Be quiet! I'll have none of your lip! I'm sick of you kids. I never wanted you, you know. I never wanted any of you. But your Mother didn't think of what was going to happen to you when she selfishly died, did she?! I was going to have a life! A LIFE!''  
  
Mathew and Coleen just stare at Doctor Mike, dumbstruck (A/N- Doctor Quinn's Mental Breakdown starts here!)  
  
Mathew- ''Er.....right. Maybe we should stop for a rest?''  
  
Coleen- ''Good idea.''  
  
Mathew and Coleen get out of the cart. Mathew builds a fire and Coleen makes something to eat. Dr Quinn refuses to leave the cart however, so they leave her there. They eventually fall asleep. Mathew wakes up at some ungodly hour and discovers that Dr Mike is whittling a stick with a penknife, and mumbling-  
  
Dr Mike- ''Everythings gonna be ALLLLLRIIIIGGGGHHHHHHT. The Moon is green and all he cows are dead, but everything will be ALLLLLLLRRRRIIIIGHHHHT.....oh yes. I'm a good doctor, Sully loves me, Brian's a good boy....''  
  
Mathew- ''Erm.....Coleen?''  
  
Coleen- ''What?''  
  
Mathew- ''Is she going mental?''  
  
Coleen- ''We all are.''  
  
Coleen picks up a bottle of water and throws it over Dr Quinn  
  
Coleen-''Snap out of it!'' 


End file.
